so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
