Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
