I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
