the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
