Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
