My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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