i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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