Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
