Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
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She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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