Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
