By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
