he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
