I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
