quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
