i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
