I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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