Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
