All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
