Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
