I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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