Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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