made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
