I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
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Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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