Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
