This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
