Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
