My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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