Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
