I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
