I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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