Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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