I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
