I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
