i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
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