Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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