Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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