Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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