totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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