Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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