Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
