im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I sprained my soul last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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