I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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