sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
