Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
