I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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