Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
