the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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