Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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