watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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