i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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