they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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