im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize