Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
