my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
