Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
