I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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