why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
