TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.