Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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