Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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