Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
